Forgiveness

And then I heard Him say, "Ok Leslie, I am listening, plead your case".  The sound of the Judge's voice both excited and startled me.  Startled, not because it was a scary voice, but startled because He was literally speaking to me...me!  And in my mind's eye, I gathered my briefcase filled with evidence upon evidence of why I was justified to have a case against the man I was growing to despise.  I pushed open the heavy doors leading into the courtroom and walked to the table reserved for plaintiffs, and looking to my right I see him there, standing alone, with a look of soreness about his face.  I didn't care, I was confident in my case.  I looked to the judge before us, and though I cannot desribe what I saw; I saw Who I knew to be the Judge of all the earth, El Shaddai, The Lord God Almighty.  Again, I hear the words, "Ok Leslie, I'm listening".  And in that very instant I was broken by the power of the forgiveness of God.  His voice was so endearing and gentle, it was the voice of a father, a voice of comfort and understanding, a voice willing to listen to what I had to say without partiality, a voice willing to HEAR me. 
This was my chance, the chance I had been waiting for, a chance to say everything that had been building in my heart toward the man to my right, the man I call Dad, but a dad I did not know.  This was the time to let the burdening emotions of hurt and anger, bitterness and resentment, vengence and hatred, pain and neglect, abandonment and rejection, lonely and wanting, to carry the words of my heart out of my mouth and filling the courtroom, come to rest upon him who is my dad and to see him wake up and take responsibility for his behavior, for his action of doing nothing....THIS WAS IT!  THIS WAS MY TIME...and I was standing before Him who could DO something about it. 
But as I was saying, in that moment I was struck with the power of foregiveness.  I looked at my dad and I was overcome by the realization that I had NO case against him, because God Almighty has NO case against me, because His Son paid my debt.  Any words that I attempted to speak, they sounded lame in my head, there was nothing I could say to God that would justify not forgiving this man.  Every claim I tried to speak was confronted with the blood of Jesus that had been shed for me, I couldn't open my mouth to speak the speech I had been preparing in my head since the age of three.  I understood more in that moment than I have in the 11 years that I have called upon Jesus as my Savior.  I broke down with such a crippling humility, and through the quivering of my lips and the interruption of my tears, I spoke, "I have no case against this man, I have no case against this man." How can I possibly stand before Him who through the blood of His Son can say to me, "I have no case against you", and not do the same?  That is what we are called to do, "Forgive us our debts as we forgive those who are indebted to us", but I had not forgiven.  And I did not know I had not forgiven, until I was put in a situation to live with my dad for 4 months and be confronted with the truth of what was nestled deep, deep down in my heart, a truth that needed to be brought to the surface and dealt with, because I call Jesus my Savior and He calls for our WHOLE heart and my heart, to Him, I have freely given and there is no 'Push In Case of Emergency" stop button on the transformation train.
Unknowingly, Hatred had been a resident in my heart my whole life.  That day, in the courtroom, Hatred was evicted permantly and Love has moved in completely.  I feel like a new creation all over again; life has come alive again!  As Bunyan shares in his book, The Pilgrim's Progress, I feel like I have crossed through the Slough of Despond, with Help at my side and have been grace-fully relieved of this burden on my back.  I love my dad, in Spirit and in Truth, I have nothing else in me, but love for him.  And I am bound to give thanks to God, my Lord, my Savior, because from the beginning I was chosen for salvation through sanctification by the Spirit, and belief in the truth, to which I was called by the gospel, for the obtaining of the glory of our Lord Jesus Christ.  Amen.  (2 Thess 2:13)